Meeting During Separation

What happens when you encounter the person with Borderline after the separation? Why does it shake you so profoundly? And why does your rational mind stop functioning at that moment?

The Encounter

There they stand (the person with Borderline) before you. Their aura is not the one you know:

Their posture, their expression, their eyes convey fear, rejection, icy coldness
Nothing suggests that this person “loved” you just recently

Your Physical State

You are completely unsettled by the circumstances – the abrupt shift from love to hate, symbiosis and distance, idealisation and devaluation:

Your heart pounds as though it will burst through your chest
You gasp for breath, your throat constricts
Your knees seem made of cotton
Your eyes burn from lack of sleep
Your adrenaline and cortisol levels are far above normal

Your Brain’s Trick

At this moment, something crucial happens: Your brain blocks out reality.

To mobilise your reserves, your brain resorts to an old trick:

It blocks out all the chaotic, terrible situations
It blocks out all the pain and all the humiliations
Instead, it retrieves all the beautiful images

What You Then See

The eyes that just recently looked so lovingly, so tenderly
The body of which you know every millimetre
The fusion, the becoming one
The dreams you shared
The mouth that could form such wonderful words
The hands that could be so tender

What your brain blocks out:

That those hands did not hold you when it mattered
That that mouth hurled injuries at you
That those eyes manipulated you
That that body gave itself to someone else in a fraction of the time

The Borderline Trap Within You

Your logical mind, which would tell you “Leave it, go!” – shuts down.

The trap within you says:

“All of that can’t have been a lie” – It wasn’t (splitting), only partly (manipulation)
“They can’t have become a different person, not in such a short time” – Yes, they can. They already have.
“What about all the promises?” – They don’t count (splitting), they no longer exist.

Example: The Chance Encounter

M. (female, Borderline) and H. (male) meet by chance.

M. keeps turning her head away, treating H. like thin air. Rejection and absolute coldness. But then the situation eases somewhat – M. becomes angry and bombards H. with accusations. H. recognises this: when M. gets angry, the chances improve.

They walk along the river. Suddenly M. stops, turns around, and says:

“I love you too.”

H. stands rooted to the spot. He gently strokes her hair. A tremor runs through her body, her eyes fill with tears. He takes her in his arms; she weeps heart-wrenchingly.

After five minutes, M. beams like a small child. Arm in arm, she chatters about everything imaginable – just not about the problems. H. tries to steer the conversation there. M.’s face darkens:

“I don’t want to talk about that now.”

H. becomes angry: “Damn it, it’s always your way!”

M. looks at him with a fear-distorted face, eyes wide:

“Go now.”

She says she was afraid. Of what? “Of you. I thought you were going to throw me in the river.”

Four hours later, M. calls, very soft and tender:

“Forgive me about earlier. Would you like to come for dinner?”

The Rapid Switching

You can see from this example how quickly a person with Borderline can switch back and forth:

From rejection to “I love you”
From tenderness to panic
From separation to a dinner invitation

This is not deliberate. It is the free-floating anxiety, the splitting, the instability.

The Reconciliation Sex

After the most wonderful sex, the absolute fusion, the person with Borderline lies beside you and bursts into tears. Heart-wrenching sobbing – but tears of happiness.

“Another piece of the wall torn down,” they say more to themselves than to you.

In this sentence lies the entire spectrum of inner turmoil. What immense energy they used to build these protective walls. Now you come along and blast them away piece by piece.

For this they love you – because for them, this is true love. At the same time, they hate you for it – because they are afraid.

Within the person with Borderline, a desperate battle rages. They know that their fear will win again. The tears are an expression of this battle.

The Consequence for You

Today, having studied Borderline Personality Disorder, you are wiser. But you cannot act reasonably or logically, because the person opposite you is neither reasonable nor logical.

And you also cannot think, feel, or act as chaotically – because you do not have Borderline Personality Disorder.

In your current state, you cling to:

The word “reason”
Moral and ethical values

These do not exist for the person with Borderline in this moment.

Remember: The values they had – they were yours, which they adopted. Through projection, they seamlessly docked onto your “Ego.”