Poems - Part 2

Yes, Hit Me

Yes, hit me. Scream in my face that you don’t love me. You stand before me, stunningly beautiful. Your hair falls over your shoulders. “Thanks for the good fuck, you can go now,” you say, and your eyes are cold.

What happened? An argument? No, it is normality. Every time I get too close, you do everything to destroy me. Yet on the other side, you so desperately seek closeness.

You wrap your legs around me and tell me you love me. Then I read your lines: “Never will you let go of my hand.”

Another piece of “Berlin Wall” broken down, you say, and you cry. Gently I take you in my arms and kiss your tears.

I feel your pain but cannot help you.

You curl up in the fetal position and I give you your teddy bear. You do not see my tears. Gently I tuck you in, and before I can tell you how much I love you, you have fallen asleep. Like an angel you lie there. The hours pass, and again and again I lower your arm so you will not be in pain. Each time you snort like a walrus, but it is beautiful. I cannot sleep, lying beside you, and I am afraid. Afraid of the morning — will you still be with me? Questions torment me and I get no answer.

Again a glance at you, and gently I brush the hair I so love from your face.

I kiss you tenderly on the forehead and say, “I love you, kitten.” I know you cannot hear it. But you are there, simply beside me. I always want it to be like this.

Morning breaks and I look forward to the kiss you give me. You open your eyes, so soft they are, so tender. Gently I stroke your belly, your chest, kiss you tenderly. Your body stirs, draws me in, your hips move. Slowly your head comes toward me and says, “Let us always stay like this.”

But I wake up and realize you are saying this to someone else. Tears run down my face, and when I wipe them away, I feel how alone I am. No kitten, no eyes, no nothing.

Mars, 2002

In the Labyrinth of Love

The last rays of sun leave the room. From the window corners, blue shadows fall into my small world. And I am alone again in the darkness of my solitude. Alone, so alone, in the silence of the night.

The day’s thoughts have died with it. Everything is unimportant. I survive. I have survived. That is all I do. Survive. Since the day we lost each other, I count the time. Every moment without her lasts an eternity.

And even as my longing leaves the room on its journey to her, my being loses itself in sleep, and I have that dream again.

She stands alone on the white sand of a distant beach. The sea around her is turbulent and wild. A silent sadness gazes from her beautiful eyes. Gazes across the vast sea to the horizon of my soul. I want to touch her, but my hands are not here. I want to tell her how much I love her, but my mouth is not here. Only my silent eyes look at her from a foreign world. Invisible and unnoticed by her.

Something pulls me away from her. The sky darkens. I stand on a plateau, surrounded by an immense labyrinth. Populated by ghastly creatures whose terrifying growling tears the darkness apart.

Love is stronger than fear. I descend into the labyrinth. Pursued by the demons from the darkest depths of my soul, I seek the way out, the way into the warm light of her love. But ever new walls rise before me from my fear. Encircled by the glowing-eyed demons of my hopelessness, I succumb to their might and die.

I awaken in the world from which I fell asleep. Awaken trapped in an even greater labyrinth.

In the labyrinth of love.

Mars, September 2002

When I Lost You

“When I lost you, we both lost. I, because you were what I loved most, and you, because I was the one who loved you most. But of the two of us, you lose more than I, because I can love another as I loved you. But no one will love you as I did.”

Author unknown

I’m Not Good for You

Come when I call you away, and leave when I send you off. For when I tell you to go, that is when I love and need you most.

Be strong when I am weak, and brave when I am strong. But do not kick me when I am hurt.

Be angry when I wound you, but do not yell at me. Remember, when I hurt you, I need you — especially then.

I do not want to cause you pain, and yet I do, because I love you. The more I love you, the greater grows the armor around my soul.

For my soul can bear no more pain. That is why I attack you — because I love you.

Borderline patient, anonymous, Hamburg, 30.09.2001

Because I Love You So and You Please Finally Believe Me

How shall I hold my soul so that it does not touch yours? How shall I lift it over you to other things? Oh, gladly would I shelter it with something lost in the dark, at a strange, still place that does not resonate when your depths vibrate. Yet everything that touches us, you and me, takes us together like a bow stroke that draws one voice from two strings. Upon what instrument are we stretched? And which player holds us in his hand?

Author unknown

For a Wonderful Woman

I love you, soul that wanders in the valley of life, seeking the right happiness. I love you, whom many a delusion confuses, for whom many a dream has shattered to dust and pieces.

I love your poor, tender, wounded wings, that, unharmed, would wish to dwell within me. I would like to permeate you entirely with kindness, I would like to spare you in all your depths.

So let this be our bridge to the land of love, and the beginning of our new life.

Mars, March 2002