Communication in a Borderline Relationship

Communication with a Borderline Personality

Let us consider the communication abilities of a person with Borderline. One of the fundamental laws of communication states:

If A says something and B does not understand it, A is at fault.

Why? A has the responsibility to transmit on the frequency that B is tuned to. Under normal circumstances, you as the sender know the receiver’s frequency.

But here? The receiver (the person with Borderline) is “broken” – you can transmit whatever you want. In the truest sense: You’re spinning your wheels. For the person with Borderline, this means they receive only your gibberish.

The Robot Metaphor

Imagine the following situation:

You are sitting in a chair that is quite deep, and you feel weak. Standing before you is a robot that, based on its programming, only understands defined signals. It has a human form and behaves essentially in a “human” way.

Mistake 1: You equate the robot with yourself.

Mistake 2: You assume it thinks and “understands” the same way – that is, understands you.

Because you humanise it, you block out reality.

The Example

You want to get up from the chair. Since it is deep and you are weak, you ask the robot for help:

You: “Give me your hand.”

Any human being would understand this. The robot, however, looks at you in puzzlement, unscrews its hand and gives it to you. It did exactly what you said – not what you meant.

If you had said: “Help me get up,” that would have been a clearly defined instruction.

The Consequence for Borderline Relationships

This is exactly what happens with a borderline personality:

This means:

Even in “normal” everyday life, communication is already difficult
In the case of separation (since argument almost always equals breakup), comprehensible communication is nearly impossible

First: The receiver is “broken”

Second: You are on the other side of the wall – you are “black” and they are “white”

One might think that if black transmits and white receives, at least grey would emerge. Wrong!

The Typical Mistake in Separation Situations

In separation or conflict situations, 99% of partners make the following mistake – they castrate themselves and surrender the last remnant of their personality:

They admit to faults that the person with Borderline demands
They blame themselves
They beg for forgiveness
They don’t actually know what for, but somehow the person with Borderline manages to present things (your guilt) in such a way that you believe it in that moment

The Four Levels of Communication

Fundamentally, humans transmit and receive on four levels of communication. For the person with Borderline:

In Interpersonal Relationships

The person with Borderline always receives on the relationship level – never on the factual level, regardless of how you transmit.

Absolute Priority

The significance of the relationship level has absolute priority for the person with Borderline.

Self-Centred

Since they are self-centred (egocentric), they relate everything to their weak Ego.

A Practical Example

M. (female, with Borderline) and H. are lying in bed after making love.

H. is looking at M. and suddenly notices that M. hardly ever wears makeup. M. is certainly an attractive person without it, but she could make more of that face.

H. asks: “Tell me, why don’t you ever wear makeup?”

H. is transmitting entirely on the factual level and naturally expects an answer on the factual level.

But he’s made a mistake.

The Reaction

M. receives on the relationship level:

M. looks at H. with hatred
Jumps out of bed as if stung by a tarantula
Begins to leave the place that was just an expression of love

H.: “Oh dear, what have I done this time?” He grasps that he has stepped on his sweetheart’s toes again, but doesn’t understand the underlying reason.

H.: “Hey darling, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only meant you could make even more of your pretty face.”

M. crawls back into bed and begins to cry: “When you say things like that, I always feel so incomplete. My whole life I’ve felt that way.”

H. looks rather bewildered and has his hands full trying to calm M. down.

The Translation in the Mind of the Person with Borderline

What happened?

M. translated H.’s question on the relationship level and related it to her weak self-esteem.

On the relationship level, the human brain fundamentally translates with the assessment: “How does the other person feel about me?”

M. understands:

What H. said	What M. heard
”Why don’t you wear makeup?"	"You’re not beautiful."
	"If you wore makeup, at least you’d be presentable."
	"Then at least you’d look like a woman."
	"You’re not lovable as you are.”

In relation to her weak self-esteem:

“I am not lovable because I am not beautiful.”

The Consequences

Why was the preceding sexual encounter mentioned?

To illustrate that prior declarations of love have no relevance after just seconds or minutes.

The person with Borderline cannot remember the feeling – only the situation. The feeling of closeness, of love, is already forgotten when the next “threat” (in the form of a harmless question) appears.

Summary

Normal Communication	Borderline Communication
Sender and receiver on the same frequency	Receiver “broken”
Factual level is understood	Everything is translated onto the relationship level
Context is preserved	Context is immediately lost
Previous conversations count	Only the moment counts
Misunderstandings can be resolved	Resolution often triggers new escalation

What Does This Mean for You?

Be precise: Vague statements are almost always misinterpreted
Don’t expect continuity: What was true yesterday may be forgotten today
Expect escalation: Even harmless questions can trigger
Understand the mechanism: It is not meant personally – it is the disorder
Protect yourself: You cannot “fix” the communication

Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.