Narcissist and Dependent Relationship

The Narcissistic-Dependent Relationship

Only through her does his life become a life, yet she remains captive.

Difference from the Borderline Relationship

Let us now examine the relationship between a dependent personality and a narcissistic personality. One might almost be inclined to say that, broadly speaking, this relationship does not differ from the preceding one (the borderline relationship). Especially since Borderline Personality Disorder encompasses narcissistic disorder.

Let us look more closely.

Here we do not have:

The chaotic interplay of closeness and distance, symbiosis and rejection, idealisation and devaluation
The short-lived nature of the relationship
The immediate gratification of needs

The narcissistic personality’s immediate drive satisfactions are not as charged with aggression.

The Narcissist’s Control

Nor does the narcissistic personality occupy the “regulatory system”; instead, they intervene in a targeted manner, to their advantage and only to their advantage.

This leaves the dependent personality more regulatory latitude. However, this does not mean they may regulate as they see fit. Everything is kept neatly under supervision and in the interest of the narcissistic personality.

Furthermore, the narcissistic personality has no interest in destroying it, as it serves them. At most, they destabilise it when necessary and then restabilise it. This naturally results in an increased dependency of the dependent personality, which in turn serves the narcissistic personality’s interests.

In contrast to the borderline personality, the narcissistic personality prevents — and must prevent, lest they lose their mirror — a separation at all times.

The Fundamental Difference

It is therefore not, as with the borderline personality, about the annihilation of the other. You will recall that Borderline Personality Disorder fights the projection of its own bad parts in the other, and for them, fighting means annihilation.

With the narcissistic personality, it is about control and preservation of the mirror.

The Principle of Collusion

The narcissistic-dependent relationship functions, at least initially, on the basis of collusion. Collusion operates on the unacknowledged, unconscious interplay of (neurotic) similar relationship conflicts.

This means nothing other than: when someone like the narcissist fears not being loved because they are not “great” enough, they respond to someone special who gives them precisely this feeling of being “great.”

Since the narcissist longs for the primal state (the first 1.5 years of life) with constant care and admiration, the dependent personality is therefore particularly well suited.

Conversely, the narcissistic personality raises the self-image of the dependent personality — naturally only as far as necessary and as they need it for themselves.

The “Ideal” Partner for the Narcissist

Ideal for the narcissist would be both:

The dependent personality for caregiving
The borderline personality responsible for admiration and idealisation

Collusion always conveys a feeling of mutual indispensability and enables certain people — here the narcissist — to enter into a “love relationship” at all.

The Beginning of the Relationship

To an outsider, this relationship does not even appear to be deteriorating. On the contrary, to many it seems perfect.

As a rule, the two meet through the power of illusion. Either the dependent personality is the rescuer who liberates the narcissist from their problems, or they believe they have reached the goal of their wishes and dreams.

This phase lasts, in contrast to the borderline relationship, longer and does not end abruptly. Nor is it symbiotic. The narcissist, as we know, rejects symbiosis.

How the Dependent Personality Perceives the Narcissist

The difference is also that the narcissist does not emerge from the previous relationship as a victim. Often the dependent personality meets the narcissist as:

The “confident,” “independent,” “roaming” single person
A confident, sad person who only stays with their partner out of a sense of responsibility

In the first case, the dependent personality is practically over the moon that the narcissist is interested specifically in them. In the second case, this only makes them all the more sympathetic.

In both cases, the thought in the dependent personality’s mind is: “He, the narcissist, just needs to be loved enough, then…”

The Illusion of the Dependent Personality

That the narcissistic personality is in reality incapable of intimacy and love is something they do not know. And even if they did know, they would believe that their love would make him capable. He would just need to be loved enough.

The dependent personality also does not know that a narcissist has no sense of responsibility whatsoever. But even if they knew all of this, the question would remain whether they would even recognise a narcissist as such.

The Narcissist’s Facade

Polite, gallant, courteous, helpful, well-groomed, empathetic, understanding, charming — finally someone who understands them — the entire range of positive qualities: this is how the dependent personality comes to know the narcissist.

Everything about their appearance, their status and/or their material presence speaks of a successful person who has both feet firmly on the ground.

“This person has no fear at all, certainly not of relationships, and can therefore catch me with my fears,” thinks the dependent personality.

The Hawk and the Mouse

That they, as a little mouse, have just fallen into the hawk’s talons is something they realise, if at all, too late. Nor that the hawk is a master of his craft.

Narcissists are hunters, not prey.

In a flash, he has spotted his prey and identified it as Class A. The signals of the dependent personality are unmistakable.

As hawks tend to be, the narcissist also has his hunting strategy at the ready in a flash. Bang — and helplessly overwhelmed by feelings, the little mouse does not even want to flee. On the contrary: “This is a kind hawk; he doesn’t eat mice — he protects them.”

The Manipulation

The narcissist knows very quickly how to make the dependent personality useful to him. He certainly does not know that he is a narcissist and that over there is a dependent personality. But he does know that he is a hunter and that over there is a little mouse.

In making them useful, the openness and altruism of the dependent personality are especially helpful to him.

The Control Levers

Very quickly, he finds the control levers of the dependent personality that matter to him:

Fear of separation
Fear of rejection
The “dream of how it could be”

With these, he steers the entire relationship, quite subtly and finely calibrated.

Through this fine calibration, it can function for years.

The Reality of the Relationship

The narcissist maintains the admiration he needs from the dependent personality. For this, he need not exert himself — he receives it from them for free and unconditionally. Granted, let us be honest, not entirely for free — now and then, though this is not the rule, it is necessary to make a little show.

The little mouse, our dependent personality, is not eaten by the hawk, the narcissist, but sits in a golden cage.

The Golden Cage

On one hand, this compensates for the dependent personality’s financial anxieties; on the other hand, it serves the narcissist to present himself to the outside world and gather admiration from there as well.

Naturally, the narcissistic personality also seeks the admiration they so depend on through other means, including affairs and infidelities. Often, the dependent personality’s money is even used for this.

The Attempt to Break Free

Should the dependent personality wish to leave this relationship, it often fails for financial reasons, as the narcissist ruthlessly deploys the material side to prevent the dependent personality from leaving.

But the lever of the “dream of how it could be” — the other two levers being no longer usable in this situation — is then pulled very sharply, in combination with appeals to the dependent personality’s sense of guilt.

In between, feelings of guilt are induced in the dependent personality — usually in connection with the narcissist’s mutation into a helpless small child.

Danger of Violence

Since the narcissistic personality, like the borderline personality, is emotionally at an infantile developmental stage, violence can occur in such situations — unfortunately all too often.

One cannot simply say that the narcissist loses control over himself. That would not capture it. In such situations, through the excessive activation of the death drive, he falls back to these childlike stages.

This does not mean, however, that his reason shuts down. On the contrary. The regression here refers to the pattern of reaction and behaviour.