Narcissistic-Dependent Relationship

Introduction

Let us consider the relationship between a dependent personality and a narcissistic personality. One might be tempted to say that, by and large, this relationship does not differ from the borderline relationship – especially since Borderline Personality Disorder encompasses the narcissistic disorder.

Let us look more closely.

Differences from the Borderline Relationship

Here we do not have:

• The chaotic interplay between closeness and distance
• The alternation between symbiosis and rejection
• The constant oscillation between idealisation and devaluation
• The short-lived nature of the relationship
• The demand for immediate gratification

The drive satisfaction of the narcissistic personality is not as aggression-laden as in Borderline.

Control Instead of Occupation

The narcissistic personality does not occupy the “control system” but instead intervenes in a targeted manner, for their own advantage and only for that purpose.

This leaves the dependent personality more room to manage. However, this does not mean they are free to manage as they see fit. Everything must remain under supervision and in the interest of the narcissistic personality.

Stabilisation Rather Than Destruction

The narcissistic personality has no interest in destroying the system, since it serves them. At most, when necessary, the system is:

• Destabilised
• And then restabilised

Important Difference

In contrast to the borderline personality, the narcissistic personality continuously prevents separation – they need their mirror.

Not Annihilation, but Utilisation

For the narcissistic personality, the goal is not the annihilation of the other.

Borderline Personality Disorder fights the projection of its own bad aspects in the other – and fighting, in their case, means annihilation.

The difference is also that the narcissistic personality does not occupy the “control system” but rather makes use of it.

The Principle of Collusion

The narcissistic-dependent relationship functions, at least in the beginning, on the basis of collusion.

Collusion operates through the unacknowledged, unconscious interplay of (neurotic) similar relationship conflicts.

How Collusion Works

When someone like the narcissist fears not being loved because they are not “great” enough, they respond to someone special who gives them precisely this feeling of being great.

Since the narcissist longs for the primordial state (the first 1.5 years) with constant care and admiration, the dependent personality is particularly well-suited.

Mutual Need Satisfaction

Conversely, the narcissistic personality – naturally only to the extent necessary and as it serves them – elevates the self-image of the dependent personality.

The Ideal Combination for the Narcissist

Ideally, the narcissist would have both: The dependent personality for caretaking and the borderline personality responsible for admiration and idealisation.

Collusion always conveys a feeling of mutual indispensability and enables people like the narcissist to enter into a “love relationship” in the first place.

When Collusion Becomes Pathological

In and of itself, collusion is not yet pathological. It becomes so when one of the partners – as in this case the dependent personality – is locked into a permanent role and no deviating position is permitted.

The Getting-to-Know Phase

The Hunter and the Prey

To an outsider, this relationship does not appear to be deteriorating. On the contrary, to many it seems perfect.

As a rule, the two meet through the power of illusion:

• Either the dependent personality is the “rescuer” who delivers the narcissist from their problems
• Or they believe they have reached the fulfilment of their wishes and dreams

The Initial “Nirvana Phase”

Indeed, the dependent personality believes at the beginning of the relationship – similar to the borderline relationship – that they are in nirvana.

Differences from the borderline relationship:

• This phase lasts longer
• It does not end abruptly
• It is not symbiotic (the narcissist rejects symbiosis)

How the Narcissist Presents Themselves

The narcissist does not come as a victim from a previous relationship. The dependent personality gets to know them as:

• The “confident,” “independent” single person or
• As a confident, sad person who only stays with their partner out of a sense of responsibility

In the first case, the dependent personality is overjoyed that the narcissist is interested in them of all people. In the second case, this only makes them more sympathetic.

In both cases, the dependent personality thinks: “They just need to be loved enough, then…”

The Illusion of the Capacity to Love

That the narcissistic personality is in reality incapable of intimacy and love is something the dependent personality does not know.

And even if they did know, they would believe that they could make them capable through their love. They would just need to be loved enough.

Underestimated Reality

The dependent personality often does not know that a narcissist has no sense of responsibility whatsoever. But even if they knew all this, the question remains whether they would even recognise a narcissist as such.

The Narcissist as Hunter

Narcissists are hunters, not prey.

In a flash, they have spotted their target and identified them as “Class A.” The signals of the dependent personality are unmistakable.

The narcissist knows very quickly how to make the dependent personality useful for their purposes:

• They certainly do not know that they are a narcissist
• But they do know that they are a hunter and there is a “little mouse”

The Facade

This is how the dependent personality gets to know the narcissist:

• Polite, gallant, attentive
• Helpful, well-groomed
• Empathetic, understanding, charming
• “Finally someone who understands me”

The entire appearance, the status, and/or the material impression suggest a successful person who has both feet on the ground.

“This person has no fear at all, certainly not of relationships, and can therefore catch me with my fears,” thinks the dependent personality.

The Control Levers

Very quickly, the narcissist finds the control levers that matter for the dependent personality:

1. Fear of separation
2. Fear of rejection
3. The “dream of how it could be”

With these, they steer – quite subtly and finely calibrated – the entire relationship.

The Narcissist’s Motto

“Love fades, power endures.” The narcissist learned this very early. This is the motto by which they act.

Through this fine calibration, the relationship can function for years.

The Golden Cage

Admiration Without Reciprocation

The narcissist maintains the admiration they need from the dependent personality. For this, they need to do nothing – they receive it freely and unconditionally.

Occasionally, though this is not the rule, it is necessary to “put on a bit of a show.”

The Cage of the Dependent Personality

The “little mouse” (the dependent personality) may not be devoured by the “hawk” (the narcissist), but sits in a golden cage.

• On one hand, this compensates for the economic anxieties of the dependent personality
• On the other hand, it serves the narcissist to present an image to the outside world and to obtain admiration from there as well

Affairs and Infidelity

The narcissistic personality also obtains – among other things through affairs and infidelity – the admiration they so depend upon.

Often, the dependent personality’s money is even used for this.

When the Dependent Personality Wants to Leave

Should the dependent personality want to free themselves from this relationship, this often fails for economic reasons.

The Narcissist’s Tactics

1. Material pressure: The narcissist ruthlessly deploys the material side
2. The “dream lever”: The lever of “the dream of how it could be” is tightened sharply
3. Guilt: Appeals to the conscience of the dependent personality
4. Regression: The narcissist’s transformation into a helpless small child

Risk of Violence

Since the narcissistic personality – like the borderline personality – is emotionally at an infantile developmental stage, these situations can unfortunately all too often lead to violence.

The regression to childlike stages through the over-activation of the death drive describes the reaction/action pattern – not that their intellect shuts down. On the contrary.

Further Information

Narcissism – Overview Fundamentals of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Relationships & Partnership General information about relationships in the context of mental disorders