Tips for Those Affected by Dependent Disorder

After answering the questions in the preceding section, a picture has hopefully emerged for you. Either you are now fairly certain that you suffer from dependent (dependent on…) disorder or at least possess strong dependent structures, or you do not fit this pattern.

For all those who want to change something, this section may be helpful.

Fundamentals

Fundamentally, you should be aware that it is very difficult to break and change old behavioural structures and role patterns. A process that does not happen overnight. How long did it take you just to become this way or to reach this point?

1. Learning to Say No

As a first step, you should learn to be able to say No. That sounds easier than it is.

Goal: When you can say No without a fear of abandonment being activated in you or without feeling guilty, you have made it.

Healthy Egoism

First and foremost, what is meant here is saying No in normal measure and maintaining normal ego boundaries toward the partner. You must therefore learn to develop a healthy egoism.

This does not mean: “I am more important to me than my partner.”

Rather: “I am just as important (to myself) as the other person.”

2. Working Through Fears

At the same time, you must work through your emerging fears, which you may not consciously perceive.

The Method

Pay very close attention to your gut — whether an uneasy feeling rises
Ask yourself the question: “What am I afraid of right now?”
In answering, you have confronted your fear

By “uneasy feeling,” doubts or mistrust are not meant, but fears.

Talking About Fears

One approach is also to ask your partner to talk with you about your emerging fears:

“If I do/don’t do this, then…”
“I’m not doing this because otherwise I would feel bad toward you, as inside me the feeling…”

Talking about your fears has nothing to do with weakness — on the contrary.

3. Recognising Emotional Blackmail

Since you are very susceptible to emotional blackmail, you should learn to recognise it in its various forms.

The A-B-C Method

A is you, B your partner. You become C (an outsider) and ask yourself the following questions:

Is A currently in a situation of emotional blackmail?
Why is B doing this? (what they are currently doing to A)
How would A react if A were me?
How would B react to that?
How should A react?
How would A react if A were B?

Not every action/reaction is emotional blackmail. Your counterpart also has fears or one issue or another.

When You Recognise Blackmail

Do not react like a steam engine; instead, talk to your partner about it:

“I have the feeling that you are trying to emotionally blackmail me by…, this causes in me…, I wish you would…”

4. Developing Healthy Distance

Your partner must no longer be the sole centre of your life (thinking and acting).

Small Steps

But do not withdraw too strongly; your partner would perceive this as rejection. Try to create very small distances. Step by step.

Concrete examples:

Do not constantly ask: “What are you doing? Where are you going? When will you be back?”
Do not constantly ask: “Do you still love me? Are you breaking up with me now?”
If your partner does not contact you at the agreed time, set yourself a time limit (e.g., two hours) before you call
No accusations, no “Oh God, I was so worried,” but rather a firm, clear mention of it

5. Correcting False Beliefs

The Quantity Fallacy

Let go of the thought: “Much feeling produces much feeling.”

This quantitative notion has no validity in the world of emotions, as feelings do not follow linear logic.

Happiness in Relationships

Let go of the thought that you can only be happy when your partner is doing well.

Of course, it makes you (everyone) happy when your partner is happy. That is part of love. You are happy when the relationship is functioning.

But it is not functioning if you must permanently make sacrifices or hold back for it.

Ask Yourself

“Am I doing what I do SO THAT it works, or BECAUSE it works?”

If you catch yourself at the “so that,” your dependent structure or your regulatory mechanism has struck again.

6. The Contract with Yourself

Take pen and paper and make a contract with yourself. Carry this contract with you at all times.

Content of the Contract

List what you will no longer tolerate
Each sentence begins with: “I will no longer…”
Assign yourself a contractual penalty for violations (e.g., a transfer of X euros to the animal shelter)

7. Breaking the Cycle

To recalibrate your value system, you must recognise and break your cycle.

Typical Cycle

Situation -> Rising fears of abandonment -> Action -> Partner’s reaction (e.g., emotional blackmail) -> Confirmation of your fears + guilt feelings -> Renewed action -> Acceptance by partner -> Confirmation of “I just need to do more…” -> Conditioning -> Situation

8. Protection from “Problem Cases”

As already said: If you change yourself, everything else changes. You will then no longer attract these problem cases.

Building Braking Functions

Do not give yourself completely, in all areas of life, right away
Constantly check yourself
Maintain the ego boundaries you have learned
Stick to your contract

This and nothing else is your protection.

New Partners as Tests

New partners are learning and testing objects. That is, not yet partners, but candidates with the prospect of a partnership.

9. Considering Therapy

Should you decide on therapy, it is normal to feel as though things are getting worse at first.

Closing Thoughts

As is the way of life, learning to walk includes falling down. And when you fall, you can still decide whether to get up again or stay sitting.

Whether you separate or not ultimately does not matter. If you change yourself, everything else will change, no matter in which direction.