Advice for Partners and Affected Individuals

Important Notice

This advice does not replace professional therapy. It can help with managing daily life, but Borderline Personality Disorder can only be treated through qualified professional care.

Fundamental Understanding

The person with Borderline is searching for the love that was never granted to them in the first years of life. Therefore, they seek the symbiosis they never achieved – a symbiosis that was actually meant for the mother.

It is not what you understand as love.

What You Need to Know About the Person with Borderline

• They are subject to the splitting mechanism (idealisation/devaluation = childhood defence mechanism)
• They are subject to manipulative behaviour
• They are subject to power and control behaviour
• They “lie” (in your sense) – for them it is truth and reality
• They also lie deliberately for the purpose of manipulation

Understanding Contradictions

In your understanding, you will repeatedly notice contradictions (which for you are lies). Keep in mind: The person with Borderline means it in that moment. Certainly, people with Borderline can lie convincingly – but it is a protective mask.

When Does the Person with Borderline Deliberately Lie?

1. For the purpose of manipulation and to satisfy the need for power/control
2. When they are caught in a contradiction (e.g. infidelity)
3. To avoid decisions (this also includes fear of abandonment)

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What Confuses You

One point that drives partners to despair:

Today they say they love you above all else. In a few days they say: “I can’t love, but I’m very fond of you.”

Don’t despair over this, even though it hurts. People with Borderline cannot remember past feelings – they remember a situation crystal clearly, but not the feeling associated with it.

Further Typical Features

• Their closeness-distance relationship is extreme – no middle ground, no shades of grey
• They do EVERYTHING for the relationship at the beginning (at least in words)
• They carry the three main fears: being engulfed, being abandoned, inner emptiness
• Their jealousy is extreme (it has nothing to do with love, but with fear)
• They are subject to impulse control disorder
• They make massive, inappropriate demands that must be fulfilled immediately
• They need constant “proof of love”

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For Partners

What Can You Do to Not Jeopardise This Relationship?

I’m sorry – essentially nothing, because you are not a person with Borderline.

Nevertheless, some advice:

Basic Attitude

• Be clear that, even if you were the best psychiatrist, you could not help
• In outburst moments, simply let them be – stay calm, don’t engage
• Never criticise (not even “your shoes don’t match today”) – they receive this as a personal attack
• Never chase after them – as hard as that may be. That gives them the power they seek. They will come back.

Structures and Boundaries

• Give them clear, limited structures
• Never let anything slide regarding these structures – otherwise they will do it again
• Never plan more than 3 days ahead (generous estimate). Due to their instability, they are barely able to stick to plans

Regarding Suicide Threats

Suicide Threats

If they threaten suicide, let them. I know, your love alone forbids this.

• If at all, handle it discreetly – they must not notice
• If they threaten you openly, control your fear
• It is a cry for help (“I just want to be loved”)
• Do not give in under any circumstances – they will learn the structures

During Devaluation

• Don’t engage in confrontation – that is exactly what they want, it’s what they know from childhood
• During arguments: Don’t walk away (activates abandonment fears)
• Don’t respond to insults
• Keep them at an appropriate distance and provide structure
• Show appropriate understanding for their fears
• Point out that their outbursts are disproportionate to the cause
• Don’t go into the past (“You also did this back then…”)
• Best approach: Take them in your arms and say “Let’s stop arguing, I love you”

What to Avoid

• Never tell them that this is “Borderline behaviour” – they feel stigmatised
• Never retaliate in kind – they cannot see themselves and their behaviours
• Note: Their devaluation is proportional to their “love” (idealisation)
• Demonstrate your love appropriately – not when they demand it
• Try to suppress all emotion during arguments – but don’t be cold
• Don’t judge them for their past
• Only justify yourself if you genuinely recognise your own mistake

The Disarming Honesty

Caution

Don’t be deceived by the disarming honesty of the person with Borderline. It is part of the disorder and has nothing to do with trust or love.

It always exists toward the new partner, relating to the past. Their honesty toward you in the here and now is written on an entirely different page.

Accept the Limits

• You cannot change or prevent their self-destructive behaviour
• Don’t support them in devaluing the previous relationship

For Affected Individuals

Advice for People with Borderline

Self-Awareness

• Engage with your disorder
• Recognise that your childhood shaped you this way
• Recognise that you are loved, despite your quirks
• Accept your disorder for yourself – but not with “That’s just how I am”
• Accept your partner for what they are: A person who loves you and does not wish to destroy you

In Dealing with Your Partner

• Don’t constantly put your partner under pressure for proof of love
• Don’t constantly manufacture situations to test “how far can I go?”
• When you feel your fears, share them with your partner (even if you cannot verbalise them)
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help – they will not refuse it like your mother did
• Share your two main fears (abandonment and engulfment)
• When you recognise your mistakes, talk to your partner
• Don’t back them into a corner – they will bite or withdraw

Understand Your Patterns

• Understand that your free-floating anxiety is directed at your partner through projection
• Understand that you project your bad aspects onto your partner
• Remember that you effectively abuse your partner during devaluation phases
• Don’t make promises that you cannot keep due to your instability
• Be clear that your partner cannot heal your wounds

Practical Tips for Managing Tension

1. Practise relaxation techniques
2. Try not to give in to the demand for immediate gratification
3. When your inner self threatens to explode, seek immediate relief – but not through your partner and not through sex

Alternatives for tension release:

• Put your hands in ice
• Hold ice cubes in your hand until it hurts
• Hold ice cubes against your temples
• Go into the woods and scream aloud
• Punching bag
• Chopping wood
• Digging in the garden

What to Avoid

• No alcohol during tension or emptiness
• No drugs
• Don’t sleep around – don’t relieve tension through sex with strangers

Self-Harm

• Remember that your self-harming behaviour deeply hurts your partner
• When you feel the urge to cut or burn: Tell your partner
• Ask them for help with pressure relief
• Understand that your reactions stem from childhood – your partner is not to blame

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The Paradox of the Relationship

Should you, against your better judgement, fall in love with a person with Borderline again, you have two options:

1. You run away
2. You commit to this relationship

When the Trap Has Snapped Shut

Should the trap already have snapped shut and you simply cannot do anything other than commit – possibly with the thought “Now I know everything and this time it will be different” – that is your decision.

I have not encouraged you; I have warned you!

What Awaits You

This path will always be a tightrope walk between two worlds for you:

Heaven	Hell
Love	Hate
Idealisation	Devaluation
Symbiosis	Ice-cold withdrawal
Being	Non-being

• Your self-esteem and your psyche must withstand enormous pressure
• You will often stand at the point of giving up
• Your life will fundamentally change
• Understanding the borderline disorder helps – but it will not help you change it

An Uncomfortable Truth

No person is perfect. To conceal our own inadequacies, we point out the other’s flaws and judge what we once understood or loved.

Your partner “the person with Borderline” already had all these traits when you met them. You simply blocked them out.

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Conclusion

Love your partner as they are, as a person with Borderline, and learn to live with it.

Or give up – then do so immediately when you realise it.

You will spare both yourself and them a great deal of pain.

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Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.