Poems - Part 3

What Am I?

I think something I don’t want to think. I feel something I don’t want to feel. I see something I don’t want to see. Why was I so punished by life? Why can I give no love? Why do I hate myself when I look in the mirror? A thousand questions in my head. Where is the path? Where is the goal… When will there be an end? An end to the torment. An end to the fear. An end to the helplessness. I turn and turn. But where is the light? Where is the light that brings me happiness? Where is the light that brings me peace? Where is the light that puts an end to all torment? A thousand questions… chaos in my head, and yet no end in sight… What remains is loneliness, pain, fear, and the realization: for me there will never be a light.

Freiflug

Soul’s Blood

What of the vows we gave each other that evening? What of the love we felt when we met? I sit in a glass house, the walls filled with despair, pain, hatred, and grief… It is so dark and bitterly cold. A small light shines from the distance… It is the door to the realm of the dead… Will my bleeding soul-pain stop pulsing there? Will I be able to rest in peace there? I no longer want to break through these walls. I no longer want to fight… As a broken something, I want to crawl toward that light and put an end to my life!!!

Freiflug

My Thoughts

Freiflug

Let Me Go

Pain grips my soul. Longing tears my thoughts apart. Only one thought remains: Let me go.

Hatred takes away my will to live. Breathing, an unloved compulsory function. Far from joy and sorrow, only emptiness spreads.

I desperately searched for love. What I found was only pain and suffering. Feelings that choke my throat. Please, finally let me go.

Being here has become a torment. My laughter I lost long ago. Life is what you taught me. All you brought was pain.

Let my heart finally stand still. I can’t go on and want to leave now…

Freiflug

9 Stanzas for 9 Months with the One Love for an Eternal Life

Between Fire and Ice

(for you and because of you, Jacqueline, the first who “loved”)

She seeks a place that guards her own, yet she flees from the hand outstretched to her. She closes her eyes to the truth within, the infinite emptiness that covers her entirely, to fight that pain that sheds her heart’s blood, to endure that agony that persists within her.

Full of hope and longing, she met me. A cry for the hand that finally sets her free. The power of new courage locked within, in a gleaming armor of joy and sorrow, a sword held high, defying that battle, ready to learn anew, to love, so she gave herself.

Those moments faded that bestowed goodness. A resting place for eternity, and yet so brief. Those feelings, so long imprisoned, hidden — fading stars now show their glow to the need for stability, security, love. So many expectations, hungering for fulfillment.

Filled with happiness, with strength, new drives. Emboldened by hope, a piece of life regained. She shares her own, the secret of the self. Never again the suffering that silently entwines. The pains are suppressed, the wounds poisoned. But how to forget what is written for eternity?

The time of those battles, consumed by sacrifice. The thirst, unconquerable, hope shredded. Too strong the past, terrible pains. Her body weakened, violated, wounded. The strength vanishes behind walls of hatred — the only remaining path, not to forget herself again.

To renounce the false, to avoid all mistakes — no being like us is destined for that. Yet she cannot forgive the person who loves her. She cannot endure that he gives, that he takes. Consumed from two sides, she shuts away her light, waiting in darkness for the return of suffering.

Contempt and punishment are now her shield against the one who loves her, trusts her, stands far too close, yet never close enough to defy the walls now rebuilt. Touched by hatred, she devalues the one who wounded her, just to survive herself — nothing else now matters.

Stripped of feelings, the will destroyed. Cold reigns, which does not even trust itself. She tears apart the bond she herself created, destroys all good things stored behind walls. Back in the desert of loneliness, wandering, she recognizes once more that she belongs to no one.

Trapped in existence between fire and ice, the cries of those who miss her fall silent. She leaves behind tears of blood, rubble of love. Once again, her soul has been torn apart. Too strong for help, yet too weak within herself — what remains is only hope, of which no one but she knows.

Guardian Angel

I Dare to Believe in You

It is now clear to me, I know your pain. I dare to believe in you nonetheless, and want to tell you this. I am not the shining prince, I am neither your canvas nor projector. But if you dare to feel, you can have what you truly seek. You think it quite impossible, your fear tears at you and you don’t believe me, because you see your bad sides in me, and want to destroy them, and thus me. Somewhere in there I see your true self. I like it, even when you hide it. Out of fear of giving you up, out of fear of loss. I know what you think and feel, a seesaw of love and hate. No memory of feelings, only the chase for that one moment. I know your desperate game. I know you don’t want to play it, but you believe you can do nothing else. I am ready — let us play. You can no longer hurt me. My heart’s blood is already shed. My tears have already dried. Flee, but I will follow you. I am ready to walk this path, your long, painful path. No matter how it ends, I can no longer lose. But you can lose the game, or we can both win. The outcome is up to you. Learn to fight, to feel… … to live.

18.06.2008

Why?

For you, no amount of time was too precious for me. For you, no distance was too far for me. For you, no pain was too great for me. For you, no task was too difficult for me.

You said no time would be too precious for me. You said no distance would be too far for me. You said no pain would be too great for me. You said no task would be too difficult for me.

And I believed you…

Yet for me, even the shortest time was too precious for you. Yet for me, even the shortest distance was too far for you. Yet for me, even the smallest worry was too great for you. Yet for me, even an answer was too difficult for you.

Why?

I gave you everything. I showed you everything. I proved everything to you. I did everything for you.

You said you would give everything for me. You said you would show me everything. You said you would prove everything to me. You said you would do everything for me.

And I believed you…

Yet you did not want to give anything to yourself. Yet you did not want to show it to yourself. Yet you did not want to prove it to yourself. Yet you would rather do nothing for yourself.

Why?

I was faithful to you. I trusted you. I always stood by you. I loved you.

You said you would be faithful to me forever. You said I could always trust you. You said you would always stand by me. You said: I love you.

And I believed you…

Yet you used my faithfulness. Yet you broke my trust. Yet you never stood by me. Yet you trampled on my love.

Please tell me, why?