Effect on the Self
Self-esteem rises - the partner feels special, valuable, unique.
After a Borderline Relationship
What Happens to Partners?
Section titled “What Happens to Partners?”A relationship with a person who suffers from borderline personality disorder can leave profound marks on the partner’s psychic structure - even if that person was previously completely healthy.
The Starting Point: The Healthy EGO
Section titled “The Starting Point: The Healthy EGO”At the beginning of the relationship, the partner’s EGO was:
- A complex, coherent unit
- In balance (like a spirit level)
- With functioning defense mechanisms
- With a stable Self
The Changes During the Relationship
Section titled “The Changes During the Relationship”Phase 1: Idealization
Section titled “Phase 1: Idealization”During the borderline person’s idealization phase, the partner is placed on a pedestal:
The Danger
The partner begins to make their self-esteem dependent on the borderline person’s evaluation.
Phase 2: Devaluation
Section titled “Phase 2: Devaluation”When devaluation sets in:
- Confusion: What did I do wrong?
- Self-doubt: Am I really that bad?
- Adopting the projection: Maybe they’re right…
- Erosion of the Self: The self-image becomes negative
Phase 3: The Alternation
Section titled “Phase 3: The Alternation”The constant switching between idealization and devaluation:
The EGO Structure After the Relationship
Section titled “The EGO Structure After the Relationship”Overview of the Changes
Section titled “Overview of the Changes”After a prolonged borderline relationship, the partner’s EGO may:
Thrown Off Balance
The stable balance has been lost.
Defense Disrupted
The defense mechanisms no longer function properly (A+C = dysfunctional).
Self Has Sunk
Through the inversive connection (D), the Self has “slipped downward.”
Ego Discrepancy Enlarged
The distance between ideal self and real self has grown.
The Affected Functions
Section titled “The Affected Functions”| Symbol | State After Borderline Relationship |
|---|---|
| A | Defense mechanisms - disrupted/overwhelmed |
| A+C | Defensive action - dysfunctional |
| SB | Self-observation - distorted (“Is it really that bad?”) |
| SE | Self-awareness - unsettled (“Who am I actually?”) |
| SF | External image transition - overpowering (The borderline person’s judgment dominates) |
| SR | Self-regulation - disrupted |
| SS | Influence of social self - negatively dominant |
| IS | Ego discrepancy - enlarged |
The Self After the Relationship
Section titled “The Self After the Relationship”The Four Components - All Affected
Section titled “The Four Components - All Affected”- Self-image - Negatively shaped by constant criticism and devaluation
- Self-awareness - Shattered (“I no longer know who I am”)
- Self-esteem - Has become dependent on external validation
- Social self - The external image (shaped by the borderline person) dominates
The Dependence on External Image
Section titled “The Dependence on External Image”The Most Common Consequences
Section titled “The Most Common Consequences”Psychological Symptoms
Section titled “Psychological Symptoms”Depression
Due to the sunken Self and the enlarged ego discrepancy
Anxiety Disorders
Due to the insecurity and the feeling of helplessness
PTSD-like Symptoms
Flashbacks, avoidance, hyperarousal
Attachment Problems
Fear of new relationships, distrust
Typical Defense Patterns
Section titled “Typical Defense Patterns”After a borderline relationship, the following often appear:
Fantasy
Daydreams of reconciliation, of the “healthy” partner - an escape from reality
Denial
“It wasn’t that bad” - protection from the painful truth
Undoing
Desire for atonement, guilt (“If only I had…”)
Emotional Isolation
Retreat into passivity as protection from further injury
The Legend to the Model
Section titled “The Legend to the Model”EGO Structure After Borderline Relationship
Section titled “EGO Structure After Borderline Relationship”| Symbol | Meaning |
|---|---|
| A | Defense mechanisms of the EGO |
| B1 | Forces from Pillars I and II of the SUPEREGO |
| B2 | Forces from Pillar III of the SUPEREGO |
| C | Defense energies - exhausted |
| A+C | Defensive action - dysfunctional |
| D | Rigid connection to the Self |
| E1, E2 | ID impulses |
| G | Inversive joint |
| SB | Self-observation - distorted |
| S | Comparison of social self with Self |
| SE | Self-awareness |
| SF | External image transition - overpowering |
| SR | Self-regulation |
| SS | Influence of social self on self-esteem |
| IS | Ego discrepancy - enlarged |
| VI | Comparison ideal EGO / ideal self versus ego ideal |
The Path to Healing
Section titled “The Path to Healing”Important Therapy Goals
Section titled “Important Therapy Goals”- Recognizing: What happened during the relationship?
- Understanding: How did it change me?
- Grieving: For what was lost (including illusions)
- Building up: Strengthening one’s own identity anew
- Protecting: Learning to set boundaries
The Prognosis
Section titled “The Prognosis”Self-Help as a First Step
Section titled “Self-Help as a First Step”Even though professional help is recommended, there are first steps:
No Contact
Creating space for recovery - without constant destabilization
Self-Care
Attending to basic needs (sleep, nutrition, exercise)
Social Contacts
Involving trusted persons, avoiding isolation
Information
Understanding what happened - this model is a starting point