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Does My Partner Have Borderline?

Is My Partner (or Was My Partner) a Borderline Personality?

Section titled “Is My Partner (or Was My Partner) a Borderline Personality?”

Try to step outside yourself and answer the questions as a third person. This will achieve a small, though limited, degree of objectivity.

The Getting-to-Know Phase

Section titled “The Getting-to-Know Phase”

1. First Meeting

How and where did you meet them?

2. The Victim Role

Did they come as a victim from the previous relationship?

3. The Previous Relationship

How long ago was the previous relationship?

4. The Portrayal

How do they portray the previous relationship and past ones?

Further Questions About the Past

Section titled “Further Questions About the Past”

  1. How do they speak about the person from their previous relationships?

    • Disparagingly? Full of hate? As a victim?

  2. When and how quickly do they speak of absolute love?

    • After days? Weeks?

  3. When and to what extent do they offer sex, speak about sex?

    • Very early? Very intensely?

  4. Was it a slow or a stormy, demanding courtship?

Relationship History

Section titled “Relationship History”

  1. Look into their past:

    • Did they have frequently changing relationships?
    • If so, how long did they last on average?

  2. What is their drinking or substance abuse behaviour?

    • When, in what situations, do they reach for it?

  3. What does their past look like?

    • What common thread runs through it?

  4. What was their childhood like?

Behavioural Patterns

Section titled “Behavioural Patterns”

Emotional Regulation

Section titled “Emotional Regulation”

  1. Do they tend toward uncontrolled, impulsive behaviours/outbursts of anger?

  2. Did/do they always want to be the centre of attention?

  3. Do they tend to swing from high to low moods in short intervals?

    • How long do these phases last?

  4. Do they tend toward omnipotence (grandiosity) and self-devaluation?

    • How long do these phases last?

Family Relationships

Section titled “Family Relationships”
QuestionTypical Patterns
17. Relationship with motherLove/hate relationship? Ambivalent?
18. Relationship with fatherLove/admiration/idealisation?

Self-Harm

Section titled “Self-Harm”

  1. What are their eating habits?

    • Signs of anorexia or bulimia?

  2. Do they tend toward frequent minor illnesses (hypochondria)?

  3. Do they frequently articulate, in whatever context, the word “fear”?

    • Particularly in relation to their ex-partner or to you?

  4. Have there been suicidal thoughts?

    • (Diary entries, stories)
    • The motto: “Then I’ll be noticed”

  5. Do they engage in self-harm or self-destructive behaviours?

    • You will learn about this through their past

Conflict Behaviour

Section titled “Conflict Behaviour”

24. Devaluation

Do they use devaluation, attack, blame-shifting during arguments?

25. Reaction to Breakup

You signal “it’s over” – how do they react?

26. Consistency

Do they still stand by on Friday what they said on Monday?

After the Argument

Section titled “After the Argument”

  1. How quickly can they switch back after an argument?

    • What methods do they use?

  2. How do they view the argument after a few hours or days?

  3. Do they still remember what they said during the argument?

Additional Indicators

Section titled “Additional Indicators”

  1. Do they tend toward the occult?

    • Card reading, fortune telling, witchcraft, etc.

  2. How were the “previous” relationships conducted?

    • As close-distance or long-distance relationships?

  3. Do they sometimes speak about themselves in the third person?

    • Example: “M. is sad because…” or “M. wants to go home”

  4. Do they sometimes dissociate?

    • Leaving their body
    • Not being present during sex
    • Functioning mechanically, unnoticed by you

  5. Do they tend to end the relationship very quickly?

Evaluation

Section titled “Evaluation”

If Many Points Apply

Section titled “If Many Points Apply”

If you answer many of these questions with “Yes”:

  1. Continue informing yourself about Borderline Personality Disorder
  2. Seek professional help – for yourself
  3. Consider whether couples therapy would be beneficial
  4. Set boundaries for your own well-being
  5. Connect with other affected individuals (support groups)

Important to Know

Section titled “Important to Know”
  • Not every “difficult” behaviour is Borderline
  • People with Borderline can change – with professional help
  • Your health (mental and physical) is the priority
  • You cannot “save” someone who does not want to save themselves
Section titled “Related Topics”

You can also use the Borderline self-test on other specialist sites. However, bear in mind that online tests do not replace professional assessment.

Further helpful information can be found in the sections:

Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.