Partnership Dynamics

Relationship Part II – The Reality

The Ups and Downs

The devaluation and separation phases in a person with Borderline occur abruptly. You are having a tender phone conversation and suddenly everything changes – within hours. The person with Borderline then proceeds with extreme harshness and coldness.

This harshness is driven by:

The splitting mechanism
Manipulative behaviour
Knowledge of your pressure points and vulnerabilities

In these situations, they treat you like dirt – the person they loved just hours ago.

Why Does Normal Communication Fail?

The Fundamental Problems

Normal relationships break down 80% of the time due to lack of communication – people grow apart. Not so the borderline relationship: it does not break down but is abruptly terminated – or more accurately, demolished.

Different Perception of Time

The person with Borderline has a different sense of time than you:

What feels like hours to you feels like days to them
What feels like weeks to you feels like months to them

So you will often notice: You say “But we just discussed this last week!” and they say “Oh, that was ages ago.”

The Three Main Fears

The person with Borderline carries three main fears:

Fear of being engulfed – even though they seek symbiosis
Fear of abandonment – even though they repeatedly create absolute distance
Fear of chronic inner emptiness

A Typical Case Example

M. is female and suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. K. is male.

The starting point for the following situation can be anything: a rage outburst, an argument, a brief separation, or the threat of one. The origin is that M. is afraid. Her tension increases explosively.

M. cannot articulate her fear. She does not say “I’m afraid of being engulfed or abandoned by you.” What you typically hear is:

“I feel pressured by you”
“I feel controlled”
“This is all moving too fast”
“I’m afraid of you”

K.: “What’s wrong with you, why are you reacting like this?”
M.: (Attack) “I feel pressured by you, controlled!”
K.: “But you wanted me to do that…”
M.: “Yes, but it’s all moving too fast now.”
K.: “Darling, come here. It’s your fears coming up again, isn’t it?”
M.: “Yes.” (comes like a child, nestles her head against his shoulder, cries)
K.: “What kind of fears are they?” (here the person with Borderline fails, as they cannot explain it)
M.: “Oh, I don’t know, everything disgusts me.”
K.: “Do you want to talk about it?”
M.: “Just leave me alone.” (The head pulls back, the gaze turns cold)
K.: “You don’t need to be afraid, I’ll protect you. But you need to talk to me when your fears come up.”
M.: “Yes, I will. I love you and don’t want to lose you.”

The result: This communication ends in passion and love. You might think all is well. After the act, which re-establishes symbiosis for M., she has no more fears – and has forgotten them too.

Until the next fear. Then M. opens the valve again and reacts as always.

When Things Escalate

Usually, such interactions look quite different:

There is physical fighting
Crockery flies through the air
Hysterical episodes
Knives are drawn
Hatred, negation, devaluation
Reality distortion
Blame-shifting
Relationship termination

An Escalating Example

J. (Borderline Personality Disorder, female) and K.

J. is in a day clinic and unavailable. Without informing J., K. takes an urgent phone call on her behalf and handles the appointment for her – hoping to relieve J.’s stress.

The result: J. goes through the roof, feels betrayed (because she was “caught out” procrastinating again). No explanation helps. What follows:

Accusations: “My self-confidence has dropped even further. Everyone treats me like a baby.”
Devaluation: Of everything that was good in the relationship just yesterday, of all help. “I never asked you for help.”
Provocation: “You never loved me. You never really wanted a child with me.”
Self-devaluation: “I am a whore, I wanted it.”
The first dagger: “I’m going to withdraw the charges, because I wanted it. I’ll do it again and again.”

The Suicide Game

Now comes the suicide announcement. With a person with Borderline, you never know whether it will be carried out. Usually it is not, as it is a cry for help.

Text message examples:

“The note is on the table, everything is written down, take care”
“I wish you a beautiful life”
“Find someone who suits you”
“I’m not taking my phone, don’t even try to reach me”
“No one will find me”

You, completely devastated, cannot form a clear thought. You are caught in a dilemma:

If you hang up = You are the perpetrator: “I knew it, you’re like all the others”
If you don’t hang up = You push yourself to your psychological limits

What Can You Do?

Option 1 – Pressure: “Either you go home now and we talk, or it’s over for good.”
- Risk: The person with Borderline digs in their heels
Option 2 – Provocation: “Fine, go drive into a wall, I don’t care.”
- Risk: “Ha, I knew I didn’t matter to you. Thank you for making it so easy.” – and they do it
Option 3 – Silence: Stop responding to anything, no matter what calls or texts.
- Risk: “Nobody loves me, what’s the point of staying?” – and they do it

The Omnipotence Phase

After insight often comes the omnipotence phase. The person with Borderline treats you like a commodity. They know exactly how to manipulate people with this.

The principle: “I want / I don’t want.” All or nothing. Black or white.

When the person with Borderline does not want, you cannot talk to them. They cut off every possibility of communication. Their motto:

“Now I want to talk” – and they will not stop
Or they go straight to breakup mode

The Dilemmas

After such escalations, your tension and arousal levels are at the point of collapse. Your nerves are strained to the extreme. You are no longer centred.

At precisely this moment, the person with Borderline comes and demands:

To talk with you, OR
Immediate reconciliation (in the form of symbiosis)

If you now ask for time, you have the next catastrophe. You hardly have a choice:

If you give in to reconciliation = They gain more power, you couldn’t process anything
If you engage in communication = This communication is doomed to fail

The Constant Justification

You have surely noticed that within the relationship you are constantly having to justify yourself – for everything. And having to give in to excessive, disproportionate demands.

This satisfies their need for power and control, since you naturally comply.

Conclusion on the Borderline Relationship

In a normal relationship, behavioural and communication patterns adjust to each other. Due to the unpredictable, unstable behaviour of a person with Borderline, this is impossible.

The foundation of a viable relationship is functioning communication. This exists in a borderline relationship only briefly and in fragments.

The person with Borderline always sends two contradictory messages (ambivalence) – the paradox of communication.

Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.