The Phases of Grief

You are in grief, whether from a separation or from death. Both are one and the same. Your psyche (limbic system) cannot distinguish between the two. Grief is an honest sign that you have loved.

A part of you has been taken – through whatever circumstances – and has died or is slowly dying within you. You are mourning a part of yourself that has left. It will take time to fill that part again. It may be that it can never be filled again. Yes, you are suffering, and in the truest sense it is unbearable pain.

Yet now you can only choose between “giving up” or “living.”

Grief looks different for every person, and for each it takes its own time. If the relationship lasted around or over 2 years, the general rule is approximately 2 years for men, 1 year for women. Nevertheless, many other factors play a significant role.

You must now go through the phases of grief. If you become stuck in any one phase, you will have no future.

Often, this process is only possible with professional help.

You must now pass through four phases that require time, and you must say farewell.

Phase 1: Shock and Denial

This is predominantly shock and denial of the loss. It includes the state of paralysis, the inability to grasp what has happened. This phase can last for days, weeks, or even months.

Phase 2: Emerging Emotions

You will be overwhelmed by emerging emotions such as anger, hatred, despair, guilt, justifications, deep pain alternating with deep emptiness.

Phase 3: Daydreams and Inner Contact

This phase is characterised by daydreams. You resume inner contact and find yourself in a whirlpool of emotions. These reflect comfort, denial, grief, sobering reality, and acceptance. You “talk” (within yourself) to them. You resolve unspoken matters, etc.

Phase 4: Acceptance and Reorientation

You have accepted your fate. A new relationship with your environment develops. You begin a new rhythm of life, and you can think about the loss without endangering your current life or emotional state.

The grieving process clearly requires time and your active grief work. Just as every relationship requires effort, grief requires grief work.