Afterword
Highs and Lows
Section titled “Highs and Lows”There are highs and lows everywhere — and perhaps right now, everything looks grey upon grey to you, with deep, dark valleys stretching out ahead. You alone determine the path. It is not easy — life never is.
You have now read some or all of these pages, and I hope they have been of some help to you.
Processing Takes Time
Section titled “Processing Takes Time”Please bear in mind — this is not a criticism — that out of everything written here, perhaps five things at most will settle into your long-term memory. In other words, you may understand now, but phases of not understanding will inevitably come again.
This is completely normal, even if sometimes you feel like your head is about to explode. If you truly want to process what you have experienced, you will — due to the mechanism of repression — need to revisit these things again and again, or refresh your understanding from time to time.
For Everyone Affected
Section titled “For Everyone Affected”Whether you have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, suffer from anorexia or bulimia, or carry various forms of these within you — whether you are a loved one, a partner, or an ex-partner — it does not matter. You can only take from these pages what is best for you and determine your own path.
No one, myself included, can give you a recipe. I may know the composition of the soup and its ingredients, but the soup is different every time.
What matters most is the question of whether the person with Borderline knows they are suffering, whether they seek help, whether they accept it, and whether they are willing to work on it.
Your Decision
Section titled “Your Decision”Whatever path you choose, it is your decision. If you do make a choice, then make it not from pure rationality alone, but because you love, because you feel, hope, and believe. That is exactly what makes you human — in the truest sense of the word.
Perhaps, though, you are someone who decides purely rationally, who can suppress emotions and leave them out entirely. If that is the case, you might ask yourself what made you that way.
Or perhaps you are a simple person who — as the saying goes — loves with body and soul. Then you must live through it and endure it, and some of you may need to do so two or three times before you truly “see.”
The Limits of Helping
Section titled “The Limits of Helping”The principles of the therapeutic relationship (therapist-patient relationship) forbid it.
If You Choose to Stay
Section titled “If You Choose to Stay”If you decide to take the difficult path of standing by your partner’s side, then do so with full acceptance of all the consequences it will bring for your life.
Do it with a clear conscience, from the heart:
- Do not try to control
- Do not make demands
- Do not use emotional blackmail (they know this from childhood)
- Do not make threats
If you choose to walk this path with them (the person with Borderline), then do it with the feeling you carry inside. Giving up is often much easier than climbing the mountain.
If You Choose to Leave
Section titled “If You Choose to Leave”If you decide to take the other path, please be equally resolute — no matter how much it hurts.
As described elsewhere on these pages, your love must not cross the boundary of altruism.
A Final Word
Section titled “A Final Word”We wish you success on whichever path you choose to walk — whatever it may look like.
“God, whatever you understand by that, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Grant me the strength and courage to change the things I can.
And grant me the wisdom to know the difference.”
These pages are intended to help — whether you are a loved one, someone with Borderline, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, an eating disorder, depression, mania, or anything else.