Love and Hate

What Is Love?

Love is a positively valued feeling that does not wish for a change in the situation.

Some would say: it is that feeling in the stomach, the butterflies. The longing for the other, familiarity, ecstasy, passion, helping the other, listening, letting yourself fall. Understanding “them” even without words, the symbiosis, but also the distance.

Infatuation Versus Love

Let us distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation has nothing to do with love and is nothing more than a biochemical process in the brain’s metabolism — namely the overproduction of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.

Of course, infatuation is part of developing love. But this infatuation can exist on multiple levels — I can also love a friend, just in this way.

Agape and Eros

Love is divided into two areas:

Agape — passionless love:

Without envy
Without possessiveness
Strives for the growth of the other

Eros — passionate love:

Always involves an element of suffering
Strong emotions
Waves not steered by the neocortex but by the limbic system

The Paradox of Love

Love is simultaneously a paradox: two people want to become “one,” yet they are autonomous beings and wish to remain so.

True love is an expression of inner productivity and care, which implies respect and a sense of responsibility. It is therefore not an impulse or affect.

Why Does Love Fade?

Sexual desire contributes to this illusion, as it strives for union and is by no means only a physical craving. Sexual desire easily mixes with all strong emotions and stimulates them mutually.

Sexual desire becomes a fallacy in which we believe we are in love when we physically desire each other. Sexual attraction creates in the moment the illusion of unity or the symbiosis that the person with borderline is searching for.

Narcissism and the Capacity for Love

Narcissism is the first stage of human development, yet unfortunately many people regress to this stage later in life and thus become incapable of loving.

Neurotic Love and Pseudo-Love

Pseudo-love (Borderline): When someone does not have a fully developed EGO, only ego fragments, they tend to idolize and idealize the “beloved.” The problem: the person loses themselves in the “beloved” instead of finding themselves in the other.

Since the “god, the beloved” cannot live up to expectations permanently, disappointments arise. This “idolatrous” love is described as the great true love. In reality, it is the hunger and desperation of the “disappointed one.”

Neurotic love: Here, projection mechanisms are used to avoid one’s own problems. One focuses on the faults and weaknesses of the “loved” person and develops a very fine sense for them — always intent on making accusations against the “loved” person.

What Is Hate?

Hate is not the opposite of love but the same feeling, only with a negative sign, which wishes for a change in the existing emotional situation. Hate is thus an emotional driving force (e.g., for revenge).

Hate is always disappointed love, where love covers a broad spectrum.

The Paradox of Communication

A conclusion logically derived from the other’s perspective, yet experienced as a contradiction by the receiver.

In a “normal” relationship, a paradox in communication is resolved. It becomes complicated when the receiver cannot allow themselves to not react to the paradox or to point out the contradiction — as in a borderline relationship.

A Metaphor: Who Has the Most Beautiful Heart?

One day, a young man stood in the middle of the town and declared that he had the most beautiful heart in the entire valley. A large crowd gathered, and they all admired his heart, for it was perfect. There was not a spot or flaw in it.

Suddenly, an old man appeared and said: “Your heart is not even nearly as beautiful as mine.”

The crowd looked at the old man’s heart. It beat strongly, but it was full of scars. There were places where pieces had been removed and replaced by others. But they did not fit quite right, and there were jagged edges. In some places, there were deep grooves where entire pieces were missing.

The young man laughed: “You must be joking — comparing your heart with mine!”

The old man answered: “Every scar represents a person to whom I gave my love. I tear a piece out of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart in return.

But because the pieces don’t fit exactly, I have some rough edges, which I treasure dearly, for they remind me of the love we shared.

Sometimes I have also given a piece of my heart without the other giving a piece back. Those are the empty grooves. Giving love sometimes means taking a risk. Even though these grooves are painful — they remind me of the love I feel for these people. And I hope that one day they will return and fill the space.

Do you now see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently, and tears ran down his cheeks. He reached into his perfect heart and tore a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man accepted it, placed it in his heart, and gave the young man a piece of his old, scarred heart. It didn’t fit perfectly, as it had some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart — no longer perfect, but more beautiful than ever, for he felt the old man’s love flowing into his heart.

They embraced and walked away, side by side.