Self-Reflection Questions on Dependent Disorder

Now, one or another reader may have become thoughtful through the preceding chapter and may be asking whether they or their partner might suffer from dependent disorder. You may have recognised a great deal and are possibly unsettled.

Important Preliminary Notes

A diagnosis can hardly be provided here. However, reference points can be offered and the way can be shown.

Most of the answers you are seeking, you can give yourself — provided you ask the right questions.

Please note the following: If you are coming from a borderline relationship or are in one, you were or are in a dependency relationship in any case. This means you have developed dependent structures, or existing ones have been drastically intensified.

Instructions

Take your time and continuously complete your answers
It is best to use pen and paper; otherwise, you will have only a jumble of thoughts
At the end, you will have a picture, as the questions can only be understood in context
When answering, concentrate on yourself and your feelings, not on reason and logic
You can also involve a person who knows you very well and whom you trust

Part 1: The Present

Current Situation

Why do you want to answer these questions?
Are you currently drinking alcohol while reading this page? If so, why? (Separation?)
How often have you recently resorted to “substances” to calm yourself, to forget?
How would you describe your current relationship with work and/or sport?
Do you tend to lose all sense of limits in these matters?

Relationships

What did your last relationship(s) look like? (Describe them)
How much did you invest in them?
Was what you did within the relationship(s) always in accordance with your conscience?
How much responsibility do you take within the relationship(s)?
How high is your self-esteem within the relationship(s)?
Was/Is your partner the centre of your life?

Fears and Feelings

Are you afraid of separations?
Do you experience strong feelings of guilt in or after separations? (i.e., do your thoughts constantly circle around: “If only I had done more…”?)
How is or was sharing done in your relationships? (This does not only refer to material things)

Partner Analysis

Describe the personality structure of your partner(s)!
Would you consider them a “problem case”?
Do you harbour the hope that through your love they can overcome their problems?
At the beginning of the relationship(s), did you try to make your partner “compliant”?
Were you quickly or slowly won over?

Jealousy and Control

How jealous are you?
When do you become jealous?
What feelings emerge then?
Would you admit to an excessive fear of being abandoned?
Do you become anxiously nervous when your partner does not contact you as agreed or does not get in touch for a day or two? (Describe the thoughts that go through your mind.)
Do you try to control your partner regarding fidelity?

Separation and Dependency

Do you hate “goodbyes”? (Not in the sense of “who likes goodbyes,” but do farewells cause you genuine emotional problems?)
How often have you had thoughts of separation but then did not go through with it, because…?
Have you frequently returned to your partner, or have you desperately tried to get them to return?
Would you describe your love for your partner as altruistic?
Do you believe that through more effort/love you can improve your partner and thus the relationship, or prevent a separation?
Would you describe yourself as a workaholic?
Have you ever been subject to an addiction and are now living abstinently?

Part 2: The Past - Family

Are you an only child?
If so, did you consciously experience your parents’ separation?
How would you describe your childhood/youth and your family?
What were your parents’ methods of upbringing?
How would you describe your parents’ relationship with each other?
Who “wore the trousers”?
Was alcohol or the abuse of other substances an issue?
Was there violence?
Was one parent constantly anxious, nervous, or depressed?
How would you describe your relationship with your parents?
Whose love or recognition did you seek?
What other reference persons were there besides your parents?
What was your relationship with them like?
Did you become “grown up” earlier than usual?
Did you have to take on responsibility earlier than usual?
How would you describe your independence during childhood/youth?
What dreams did you have as a child?
How did your puberty unfold?
Were there farewells in your childhood that particularly occupied you?
Were there events in your childhood that you would describe as “traumatic”?

Part 3: Reflection

Have your relationships always developed according to the same pattern?
Do you see parallels between your relationships and your childhood/youth?
What would you change if you could?

Evaluation

If you recognise patterns in many of these questions that point to:

Strong fears of abandonment
Excessive adaptation to the partner
Difficulty saying “No”
The belief that “more love = better relationship”
Repeated relationships with “problem cases”

then it might be worthwhile to seek professional help.