With You It Was Like This

Note on Context

The following text is a direct address to people who fall in love with a person with Borderline. It was written from the perspective of an experienced ex-partner and serves as a warning against typical thought traps. The text may be triggering.

In Memory of All Who Came Before and Will Come After

In memory, with condolences to all the men and women who came before and will come after – and once believed they too were something “SPECIAL.”

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You Are Something Special

…that it won’t happen to you. SHE will be different with you.

You have a “connection,” a harmonious relationship that SHE did not have with her ex. You have more in common, similar personalities.

SHE has mapped out all the points where you are so similar – it is uncanny.

You are the prince, the one she has waited for so long. You are so lucky to have met her at this point in your life.

SHE says she values you for the person you are – and YOU are the first one who truly does, right?

The Reality

Of course SHE told “him” these same things when she got together with “him” (and then hated so much about him later). But with YOU it will be different.

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The Perfect Partner

And isn’t it wonderful to finally have someone YOU can lean on?

It’s hard being alone, working, managing the household, and doing everything by yourself.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, this woman appears and offers her help like no one ever has before. She knows all the things you have always wished for in a partner.

It couldn’t be that she hooks into your inner longings and fears and pretends to be the answer, because she knows you are vulnerable there.

She couldn’t be pretending to:

• Like the things you like
• Want the things you want
• Be the person you long for

…because it is part of her pattern.

Just because she did it with every man before you doesn’t mean she’s doing it with you.

This time she truly means it.

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The Dark Secrets

She has told you all her dark secrets – at least all the ones she thinks will earn her sympathy, attention, and help.

No, SHE goes even further: She has NEVER told THIS to anyone.

She has recognised that she behaved badly in the past – although it was provoked by the person she was with.

You two must simply have a special connection for her to be so open and honest. And she seems to have a guilty conscience – that must mean she won’t do these things again, right?

Not with YOU. YOU are something SPECIAL.

But Consider...

Who cares whether she confided these same dark secrets to her ex? Who cares whether she showed the same “conscience” to her predecessors? Who cares whether she told all these sad stories to her ex too and acted as though she was working on her issues?

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The Responsibility

Although she SAYS she takes responsibility for her actions – in truth, it was things HE did that provoked her bad behaviour.

She won’t be like that with YOU.

Yes, she said the same words to HIM. But this time she will be different, because she tells YOU that you are different from HIM.

Who cares that she told other people how much you were driving her to ruin? That she couldn’t take it any more?

That doesn’t mean she:

• Follows old patterns and chooses the same type of man
• Will one day abuse YOU
• Will cheat on you just like her predecessors
• Takes what she wants

SHE is such a nice, sweet, wonderful, helpful woman – it MUST really have been HIM who was responsible for HER bad behaviour, right?

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The Manipulation

Who cares that she was busy tearing him apart behind his back while telling him he was “the best thing that ever happened to her” and she “had never loved anyone as much as you”?

That doesn’t mean she has the ability to:

• Manipulate
• Cheat
• Be cruel

SHE was just confused, the poor woman. She was just looking for love. The poor thing had so much bad luck.

And besides, she won’t be like that any more, with the “right” man by her side.

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The Right Man

He never gave her the attention she truly needed. He never understood her.

But YOU will.

So SHE would NEVER do that to YOU.

Who cares if it was less than a few weeks or days after the breakup with her ex when she got together with YOU?

It’s not as though someone with abusive patterns should spend several years in therapy and get their life sorted before entering another intimate relationship, is it?

I mean, after nearly decades of practice as an abuser, surely she can have herself under control after just a few months with YOU, so that she won’t hurt YOU any more.

Only with YOU, the right man by her side, who “helps” her.

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The Romance

SHE is too good to be true – so sensitive and attentive and doing all these romantic things with you.

What if she was exactly the same with “him” during the first months, before the subtle patterns of abuse crept in?

Who cares whether she did this to “him” too:

• Told him she loved him
• Lied to him and cheated on him behind his back

SHE wouldn’t do that to YOU, would she?

HE caused it. She couldn’t really be playing the same game over and over, with you as the next victim.

All these wonderful things she did – all the romance – all these selfless acts – they can’t be scripts for the same play every time.

No. This time SHE means it. This time everything will be different, with YOU.

The Patterns

Who cares whether two other men she was with had breakdowns? Who cares about the abortions? The timing and the man were just wrong. She is so sensitive, just wanted to be loved.

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The Selection

It’s not as though she selects men who:

• Have a strong sense of responsibility (because she knows how to manipulate that)
• Are active, intelligent, and caring (so she can PUNISH them)

She could NEVER report YOU to the police, as she did with her predecessors.

Just because SHE behaved so manipulatively before, that doesn’t mean she will do it NOW.

Not with YOU. You are something SPECIAL!

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The Mistakes of the Past

Sure, she has made mistakes, but most of her ex-partners still want her.

Why? Because she is something SPECIAL.

Some now think she is not emotionally stable – but that must be because the men were not stable.

Just look how loving and tender she is with YOU… she certainly wasn’t THAT loving and tender with all the others.

SHE wouldn’t say the same things she said to “him.”

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With YOU Everything Is Different

With YOU she is honest.

With YOU everything will be different.

With YOU nothing is as it was before.

With YOU she has never had such understanding.

With YOU she has never been loved like THIS.

With YOU she experienced the most beautiful togetherness.

Yes, this time it is TRUE love. This time everything will be different.

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BECAUSE YOU, ONLY YOU, ARE / WERE SOMETHING TRULY SPECIAL.

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Note for Affected Individuals

Women should replace “woman” with “man” and “she” with “he” in this text.

These patterns are gender-independent – they apply equally to men and women with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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What This Text Means

This text was written to illustrate an important truth:

The patterns repeat. What SHE did with everyone else, SHE will also do with YOU – regardless of how special you believe you are.

Borderline Personality Disorder follows patterns that are deeply anchored in the personality. Without intensive, long-term therapy, these patterns do not change.

The Thought Trap

This text describes the typical thought trap that partners of people with Borderline fall into:

What You Think	The Reality
”With me it’s different”	The patterns repeat
”She told me things she’s never told anyone”	She told everyone
”I am something special to her”	All her partners were – in the beginning
”The others were to blame”	She will blame you too one day
”This time she means it”	She meant it every time

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Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.