Relationships with Borderline

Introduction: The Fox and the Scorpion

I would like to introduce the “secret” surrounding the question of who or what a person with Borderline is, and whether a relationship is possible, with the following metaphor:

It was a beautiful forest, the leaves green, the trees old and tall. Each of the animals respected the other and there was no quarrel. The forest was divided in two by a river.

One day, a fire broke out on the right side of the river. The animals fled in every direction, but fate would have it that a fox and a scorpion met at the riverbank. Both wanted to cross. The scorpion could not swim and the fox was afraid to go alone.

The scorpion asked the fox: “Will you carry me across the river?” The fox looked at the scorpion suspiciously: “Why would I do that?” The scorpion said: “There are terrible crocodile-elephants over there and I can protect you from them.” The fox replied: “I’ll carry you across and then you’ll sting me and I’ll die.” The scorpion responded: “Why would I do that? If I did, we’d both drown.”

This argument seemed logical to the fox. Although his inner voice told him “don’t listen, it’s a trap,” he saw the scorpion suffering at the bank and a deep, warm feeling filled his heart.

Just before reaching the other side, the scorpion stung the fox with a force he had never before used. The fox felt it, turned around, looked at the scorpion with sad eyes, and asked: “Why did you do that, Scorpion?”

The scorpion looked at the fox coldly, mercilessly, almost defiantly. And with a smile he said: “Fox, what can I do? You knew I am a scorpion. It is my nature.”

Questions for Reflection

Would the fox have listened if someone had told him “the scorpion will sting you and you will die”?
Why did the fox and the scorpion meet of all creatures?
Why did the scorpion sting just before reaching safety?
Why did the fox believe the scorpion when he stood suffering at the riverbank?
Where did that feeling for the scorpion come from?

What Is a Borderline Relationship?

First, let us define the word relationship. When applied to two people, it colloquially means a lasting partnership. In that sense, the question arises whether we can even speak of a “borderline relationship.”

The term “borderline relationship” splits into two words: relationship and Borderline Personality Disorder – and thereby cancels itself out. Perhaps the correct term would be borderline-short-term-unstable-segment-relationship.

The Five Fundamental Laws of a Borderline Relationship

A borderline relationship functions – or rather, let us say is based on, since it does not function – on different principles:

The Law of Instability – The only stable thing is the instability
The Law of Immediate Gratification of Needs and Drives
The Law of Splitting – Black-and-white thinking without shades of grey
The Law of Symbiosis – The search for absolute fusion
The Law of Control and Manipulation

The Spectrum of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder manifests in different forms:

a) The classic Borderline (without comorbidity, pure F 60.31) – very rare
b) The narcissistic Borderline (F 60.31 + F 60.80) – with a strongly pronounced pathological narcissistic component
c) Early onset – the disorder breaks out around age 12 (cascade development within the comorbidity)
d) Late onset – the disorder breaks out around age 30
e) Borderline schizophrenia (F 21) – schizotypal disorder
f) Caused by abuse – personality change (F62) or PTSD (F43.1) in later life

All have different attachment patterns and are distributed across the spectrum.

Why Do We Fall in Love with People with Borderline?

The Torn Map

Every person carries within them an imago (primal image, inner image). In people with Borderline, this inner image is often unstable and tips over particularly easily under stress.

Especially at the beginning of a relationship, a person with Borderline often appears like a “perfect canvas” – they unconsciously mirror the partner’s wishes and expectations, creating an especially intense closeness. You project your “map” onto the person with Borderline and simultaneously your search for the missing piece. The person with Borderline mirrors back: “I am the missing piece that you need. Take me, I am ready, I will fulfil all your wishes.”

The Borderline Trap

Part 1 – Biochemical: In your brain, dopamine, serotonin, noradrenaline, and endorphins (happiness hormones) are produced. In a normal relationship, these levels rise continuously and fall again after approximately 6 months.

In a borderline relationship, the person with Borderline gives 500% from day one and overrides your cognitive safeguards. Your levels “shoot” upward – in addiction medicine, this is known as a flash. The effect is comparable to heroin or other opiates.

Part 2 – The Imago: You have found what you have always been searching for. The person with Borderline fits perfectly into your torn map – at least for the first few weeks. You knew this feeling once before: as a baby in your mother’s arms.

The Phases of a Borderline Relationship

Idealisation Phase

Intense, almost uncanny closeness
The feeling of having found a soulmate
Effusive declarations of love
Rapid bonding and plans for the future

Devaluation Phase

Abrupt shift from idealisation to devaluation
Coldness, distance, accusations
Your happiness hormones are abruptly withdrawn
Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) take over
Comparable to cold withdrawal

The Cycle

These phases repeat in an endless loop. Each reconciliation leads to a new “flash,” each devaluation to withdrawal.

Topics in This Section

Partnership Dynamics Understand the typical patterns and behaviours in a relationship with someone with Borderline.

Communication Why normal communication often fails and what you should keep in mind.

Recognising the Disorder Does my partner suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? Questions for self-reflection.

Advice Practical tips for partners and affected individuals.

An Everyday Situation A typical situation from the perspective of someone affected by Borderline.

With You It Was Like This A warning for anyone who believes it will be different with them.

The Thought Trap

Many partners fall into these typical thought patterns:

“They got to know ME in a completely different way”
“With me, they won’t lie and cheat”
“They truly love ME”
“We are soulmates”
“They will change – through my love, they can do it”
“I just need to show more understanding”
“These strong feelings, this love is indestructible”

Source note: This content is based on the materials of the Borderlinezone (2002-2007) and has been adapted for this information portal.